If there's a crisis you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse. And you know, we'll survive too. You say you're dark and twisty. It's not a flaw. It's a strength.

It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up.
___

I can't not cry, watching Grey's Anatomy. Some say this is bad, for others, this isn't their area of expertise. But for me, it explains everything. It allows me to realize all the things I have taken for granted.

Today is the best day of my life.
No, not to the fact that I am no longer a pupil of Somerville House. It is because this day changed my life forever. As you know, for the past year or so, I have been dwelling on the past, my past. 'It doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar'. It's true. Trust me, I know from experience. But today, on the otherhand, when I was prancing out the corridor of Somerivlle, I realized one thing. This was an end of an era. And naturally, a beginning of a new one. A new life. It was time to just 'move the fuck on'. After Jen came over. I knew this was true. I can't keep living like this. Those around me, can't keep on living with me like this. But as said this afternoon, in my HPE speech. Everything is a choice. And others cannot make that choice for us. Or rather, in this case, me. I had to do it myself.

& This is what I have done.

Arabella Hughes Bennett.
Thank you. I don't know how to thank you enough. You may not have been there, listening to my ranting (note: I can understand why, I would've ran away ages ago), but you were the one that was moving me forward. You didn't care whether you had to push, poke or shove me through each and everday, you did it. No matter what things came my way. You had faith in me, even when I had none in myself. As I said before, I don't know how to thank you enough - I'm not sure whether that's even possible. But I just want you to know, you changed everything. What I think, the way I think, how I act... Everything. Thank you again - you make it real for me. I love you so fucking much bella, as friends, now and forever.

Jennifer WhateverYourMiddleNameIs O'Brien.
Next time I see you, remind me to ask you that. What can I say? You were the result of my Mom's talking skills (technically, you're parents, but you know what I mean). You are an adjudicator, a tutor, a soon to be psychologist. But the most important thing is that you were a friend. You guided me through the few of my darkest times. I can't believe I waited until now to realize it, but all I can say is that 'now is better than never'. Thank you for putting my life back on track. I guess now, that it is, I should start moving again. You're one amazing person & you make it real for me. I'll always remember you & you better not forget me either ;).

Imogen Anne Schoutrop.
I hate you. I really do (ha, not as much as I detest my brother). But on the other hand. I love you. I love you unbelievably much. You were always there for the ranting, though not always helping. That didn't matter. I know that your life is pretty screwed up too. I hope it will all be better for you. Remember, I'm only a Skype call away. But thank you, you always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run to (or someone to rant to), & you make it real for me. You have so much potential, just keep on trying, you will make it. I believe in you.

*Other Special People;

Eden Laura Maynard.
I think you know why you're here. You make it real for me.  'Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse. And you know, we'll survive too.'

Kia Cincotta.
You were the one who came with me to Mrs Bottomely. You were the one who led me to unfamiliar territory. & I have to thank you for this. You make it real for me.

Airport Guy.
You saved my life - physically and emotionally. You were black (I'm not being racist here). You were old. And you were a guy. But there wasn't anyone I would've rather gone to. You make it real for me.

Mrs Bolton.
I didn't know the full meaning of a 'favorite teacher' until I met you. You make it real for me - after all, you are the only teacher who can cope up with laughing, immaturity, crying, depression, uncertainty and hyperness rolled up all into one.

Oscar *I Forgot* Goldman.
Woah. We haven't had a chance to talk in a while. But anyway, It is always good to realize that the problems I face aren't the end of the world. There are people who have to cope with this and others. You make it real for me.

Jay Asher.
One amazing person. Nothing more said. You make it real for me.

*Because I am too lazy to write a paragraph for each of you. I'm tired, I have a headache, and my nose hurts. Coming to think of it, I think it's the thing causing my headache.

Anyway.
I guess I'm finished here.
I've decided that:
It's about time to move on.
& Go back to basics :).
___

Btw:

 

GERMANY BABY.

photolog.
yeah.
that.
i always wanted one of those.
this lj is officially going to turn into that.

tumblr?
no way.
it's for rants.

& inthenyc
is for proper posts.
when i have time.
to write one.

no.
i never really considered myself to be truly dedicated to this one either.

Gosh.
Why?
So?
Addicted?

LA.
& For Winter?
New York City.

Was there a hate Becca party that I didn't get invited to?
Oh wait.
I don't think I'm even important enough to be hated :).

8D.
Don't get me started.

what does it matter?
after all, i'm not going to be your problem anymore.

this is closed.
let's go (:

you're right.
it's not just that.

tbh; so do i.
to the fact it's not the change i wanted.

how the hell am i supposed to live for 1/2 year with a woman, who doesn't really give a fuck? who doesn't even talk to me? when she's supposed to be called a mother.

as i begin to spam my lj

i can't decide.
i screwed up big time this time didn't i?

let us not think about that right now.
being able to feel insouciant is declared a gift.

Ohkay.
Let's change the title here, how does 'Back to Basics' sound? Better?
I think so too.

I won't even bother to rant to about In The NYC finally opening.
But here is something I will tell you:
My official first domain lyt is now published onto the WWW.
This time, it's my own lyt, coding included (even though i have done hardly anything to the header image other than add the text).
Gosh, I love DeviantArt.com.

Back to what I wanna talk about (after all, if it's not a rant, why would it be on LJ instead of In The NYC?)...

Tbh; I just don't know anymore.
I guess I've gotten used to the fact.
But do I want it? No.
But I've already accepted it.

Everything is beserk lately.
I'm losing it, losing myself in the insanity, becoming an element of this fantasy, otherwise known as 'reality'.

I finally understood.
I'm sorry.
I miss her.
But I shouldn't of used you to try replace her.
Because you aren't her.
Not even close.
I'm not me either, not anymore.
I'm not what I was.

I still live in the past.
It's the only place where I feel safe.
Where I feel like I belong.

Because obviously I don't here.
Don't act like you don't know it.

& I'm not about to mould myself again,
It hurts too much.
Just to fit in.
Not anymore.

I guess people change.

Everybody wants Happiness
No one wants pain
But you can't get a rainbow
Without a little rain.

So thank you for everything.
Everything you taught me.
Everything you were for me.
Even when I wasn't anything.
Even when I was worthless.
It's like you were Jesus, and I was just some (as Mr Loom calls them...) 'gangster'.
No, it's not like.
It is.

But now.
Coming to an supposed end of the story.
I can't even begin to explain the explicable (non suss as friend) feelings I have toward you.

I don't even think that it was about me.
But it doesn't matter, I suppose it's about time you know anyway.

you are fucking amazing

and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

be yourself

i'll be back

& we'll all (plural, inc everyone else)

be together again

someday.